hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
You Might Also Like
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean