Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
