@SkinnieTalls

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

You Might Also Like

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@donjuantip

i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.

@aveuaskew

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@ArfMeasures

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?