Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.


Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.


Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!


Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?