Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Do not steal food from the science building!
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Every time.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”