hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.