Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

🖕🏻👽

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.