Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars