After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.
“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”
– Julius Caesar’s actual last words
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Took me ages.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.
Conclusion: you are a statue
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge