@delusions_of

“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words

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@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

@HeatherLuvsYou

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@pilau

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@Kvy_kv

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge