Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
worst…sale…ever
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more