hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
Sunday
Happy Halloween 🎃
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee