hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything