“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”