“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
You Might Also Like
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.