LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead