Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Something Saturday.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?