”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
🤣🤣
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I triple waxed for this?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it