”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Happy Caturday!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I only eat vegetarians.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.