Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

*aggressively waits in line*

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

At least my masseuse has my back.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015