”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
What?!?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
this article brought to you by lions
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
this chia pet tastes awful
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.