Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My sex drive has a dui
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
shakira sharkira
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
no one likes gloating
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
How to wake up a Beagle
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.