Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
checking out some reviews of my local library
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.