Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what