“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Ummm
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!