Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Ha.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.