“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Woke up against my better judgement again
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Cats (2019)
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My love language is hissing.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.