“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You Might Also Like
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
