HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
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Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*pronounces fake like saké*
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.