Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

😂😂😂

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol