Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Me when I try to be useful

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise