Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*