Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The Compass
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.