Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Cashiers are always checking me out
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!