Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You Might Also Like
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“I wouldn’t.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.