Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
This could’ve been an email.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.