Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Probably my best painting.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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