Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You Might Also Like
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
socratic questions
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today