Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
termite twitter scares me
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Check out the legs on this baby
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
NOW HIRING: An employee
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