Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.