Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.