“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
it must be school picture day
for all #parents out there
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
My apartment is a mess, I should move