Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

Every house has this drawer

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.