Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days