Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

They’re stuck in your pants?

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right