Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Love is in the air fryer.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.