Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”