Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

he chose this

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

📽️movie date🎞️

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.