HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Matt Goss
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
This is true.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down