Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.