Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

*puts words between two asterisks*

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Do not steal food from the science building!

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july