Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Here’s a meme

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Running from your problems is cardio .

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.