STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My dress code is business-casualty.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.