Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

This tweet has been deleted

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth