Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.