friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
You Might Also Like
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I mean…but I did
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake