Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Fun Things

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.