me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
“Hi can I just have a single burger?”
I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship
“But that’s not eve-
Please show some respect
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HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.