“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess


wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party


me: it’s warm in here

wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know

me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged


me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess


me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.


I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.


5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”


I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!


Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.


Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.