@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

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@clichedout

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@bazecraze

If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.