I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“Hi can I just have a single burger?”
I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship
“But that’s not eve-
Please show some respect
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
hey salt and vinegar chips people,
all chips have salt.
ur eating vinegar chips.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York