@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

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@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@clichedout

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

@jazz_inmypants

hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.

@capnwatsisname

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

@ShaunRightNow

I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York