Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Good morning

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny