Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me before I type out affect or effect
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3