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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.