Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

This is what makes twitter great

Holy moly

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’