Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

#Caturday

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me: