Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1489285286362325003/pu/vid/1280x720/zYTcI2scXBRaBoHQ.mp4?tag=12

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.