Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I have questions??

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Personal question. #JustSaying

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.