Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a year we’ve had this week.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Why? Just why? 😂

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*