Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces