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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.