Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1639364855462281216/pu/vid/538x720/tw4rCzK3_9G8szpk.mp4?tag=12

United Steaks of America

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”