Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

At least try to make it slightly believable

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…