Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?