Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.