Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.