Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.