Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

rip to my favourite tweet

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.