Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
when nothing goes right… go left
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: